Thanks for this Hannah. I feel for you in this deepest of questions, which never generates any answers only more questions. My husband and I chose not to have children and we have checked in with that choice regularly for the 13 years we've together. I'm now 42 so the window is closing but because we stay in touch with the question and we're not 'defensive' about the reality of regret, then it's always felt very intentional and peaceful. I talk a bit about this in Weathering actually. I think you can never know, you can only make choices. And we have chosen to nurture others aspects of our lives rather than the parental role. That is all it has come down to. Choices. The whole 'see what happens' thing never worked for me not least because I've been on the pill for a long time and so there is a real choice in coming off that for a start. In any case, what ai have found most important on this journey around the parenthood question is staying open to my own ambivalence and not feeling like I have to land on one side or other, ever. I am quite sure I would have had a good life with kids and I am very happy without. On both sides there would be regrets or thwarted opportunities. I see most people getting into a mess with it because they feel they have to be sure, they have to overcome ambivalence, they have to somehow prevent regrets of any sort surfacing. But that's not life. It just isn't. Anyway, that's just my hot take :) xx
Ruth, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. 'The reality of regret' is interesting. It seems to be one of those murkier emotions that's tied to longing, but not in the nice romantic way. Longing for what could have been. I tell myself I should 'know better' than to indulge this, but I am human, after all. Perhaps one can be in a state of longing and peace at the same time, it sounds counterintuitive, but I think it's possible (I say this because I do not want to give up my longing entirely, there's beauty in it, too). I love what you say about being 'open to ambivalence'. What makes this feel harder than usual is my body clock ticking along - there will come a point when I can no longer be ambivalent. I guess I shall wait for that moment (without grasping at it, as much as that's possible). The fear of wanting something and not getting it is somehow less intense for me than not knowing what I want *at all*. In that situation, you can at least orient yourself. Right now I am adrift with no compass! But I shall do my best to surrender to this new terrain.
P.s. I love a hot take, but I'd say that was a delightfully warm one!
It's with no great pleasure that I admit I wrestled with these very questions for the majority of my 30s. Not that they're not worth that level of consideration, but rather that your hunch about Justin's assertion that the answer is on the other side of that decision is probably correct. And then all that energy deliberating feels a bit much in retrospect, but such is the nature of life decisions (esp for multiple lives). I wish I could report some wisdom from the field now that I've reached my next decade, but I still sit with a lot of these thoughts, even as the sun is setting on that possibility. I've mostly found my way to peace with not having children, which is something a younger me would have struggled to envision. One realization that has brought me great solace, though, is how desperately the energy of mothering is needed in the world right now and the ways in which not having one's own children allows for a generosity with the fierce love we carry; the energy that would otherwise be poured into my own children can flow into that wider space. In some ways, it feels like the Childless Mother figure is crucial in the future we face, despite the ways an empire wheezing to its end still seeks to minimize women who have chosen or found themselves in this role. Maybe it's just something I tell myself when this abundance of static-love-grief turns molten in my chest. But it feels true. Not a vote against having kids by any means, but a reframing I've found useful.
Thank you for this, Kimberly. It's consuming a lot of energy, as you say, and it is a bit much. I resonate with what you say about 'mothering energy'. I do not feel particularly maternal towards children but I feel very protective of and nurturing towards animals, and I like to care for those around me with food and so on. I often joke about opening up an animal sanctuary, but I'm only half joking. Still, I hear the 'feeling maternal' thing kicks in after birth regardless of if you feel it or not before. Those hormones/endorphins are apparently the strongest drugs in the world! For me, I think the next step is truly understanding that there is something dazzling and beautiful on either side of this choice.
Beautiful share of rawness. I think post 30 women have to think about this at one point, and there are many ways to delay the decision (which often come with money and privilege: ie freezing eggs). I've always wanted children but never knew why, but I also love my independence and I think I would have a satisfactory life even without. A few months ago a diagnosis made me fear that o might not be able to have children, and that made me even more sure that I want them. I don't know how much of it is conditioning, how much is body, how much is me trying to convince myself, but I do want to try as hard as I can and then let the universe choose for me. I don't know if the choice is whether to have them or not, or whether to choose to try. Maybe that's a good reframe of the whole thing. And maybe it would feel much less of a weight on your shoulders to think about it this way. I sometimes think children are a sign of hope, and maybe I'm extremely naive in thinking this. Many of us are going through this right now all in different ways. I want to also write about my story soon, when it will feel good and ready. This happens to so many in so many different ways. I think reading Donna Hathaway's making kin can be beautiful, and then you also let go of the grip of this responsibility. You don't have to decide right now, and whatever decision you will make at the time you do will be the right one. Each of our stories are unique, a friend told me this last week and I thought it was beautiful. ♥️
Thank you for these lovely reflections, Virginia! I'm curious to know what a life with a child would look like while also maintaining some version of independence (including independent identity apart from the symbiosis occurring between mother and child), and not in the 'girlboss' way. There is gracefully surrendering to and immersing in the experience of motherhood and then there's resenting the total loss of self (which I see happening often). 'Choosing to try' is beautiful. It seems far more people roll the dice with children than are intentional, and I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing - what makes this feel harder than usual is the 'state of the world' as it is and will be (catastrophising aside). And then of course a lot of children are 'accidents' (myself included!) - but I hardly feel like an accident in the sense it's often meant. Perhaps I do feel like an accident in terms of the universe statistically being unlikely to produce me, but I'm cool with that, and grateful I 'accidentally' happened. I also think children are a sign of hope, but there's something I've noticed with some parents - they siphon what seems like *all* of their hope into their kids, as if they've given up on their own dreams. The child then embodies the promise of what they themselves 'could have been'. This is not flat out always the case, and I don't think it's entirely 'bad', but it does make me wonder. And of course, there's all sorts of codswallop in there about 'unfulfilled potential' and so on. It's as though adulthood is associated with things gradually closing down, while childhood is about opening up (that is, until creativity is shooed away at school and suddenly we're paying taxes and clocking in). I would like for adulthood to be about opening up, too, and I think, for me, it is.
Oh yes I totally agree! I don't believe in the nullification of the self, perhaps it is more of a metamorphosis but in the end I think that there is no control here except the decision to try or not try. We cannot know how we would be as mothers, what we do know is that this society and its structures do not support and facilitate motherhood, and this is a whole other issue. I find the discourse around motherhood and fertility needs so much more attention especially in feminist discourse, I have been hungry for it. But it's so personal and so delicate at times. So many women also try for years and it's emotionally draining, others are judged for deciding to be childless, and once pregnant everyone is up for unsolicited advice, not to speak of once we become mothers. It's a fascinating topic that I would love to delve into more. I'm happy we opened the discourse a bit. I've also been pondering a course on it! Ultimately though, what Justin said is the wisest. Discovery is on the other side of this decision. All we can do now is share the journey 🌱
I agree - it does need more attention. There's a tonne on parenting online, but not much about this milestone *in this moment*. And, as you say, it often invites careless advice.
... and, as I repeatedly find myself saying, thank god for Justin!
Thank you so much for this post, Hannah. It resonates so much with the questions my partner and I, as well as many of our closest friends, are living. It is likely of no help whatsoever to what you are puzzling, but Nora Bateson's poem "Mama Now" just came up in conversation yesterday. You may already be familiar with it, but it is too beautiful (in the difficult and poignant and also somehow joyful way your post here is beautiful) to not share Nora's reading of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LEWs9gJKhM
Thanks, Yvan! I just listened to the poem, which was wonderful. It's nice to know we're not alone in this decision, even though it often feels like it.
As a 37 year old going through same thoughts, I'd recommend checking out Motherhood is it for me? ..a wonderful book consists of journalling , guided meditation and exercises ..also introduced the concept of Decisions Vs Desire ..really helpful .I 'did' the book a few years ago and whilst I'm still "stuck" that decision vs desire point has really helped me gain clarity and avoid societal default..thank you for sharing your story.
P.s Black feminist literature has really opened my eyes to the concept of radical love,family and relationships. 'Revolutionary mothering 'is also another great book that offers a much more expensive perspective on mothering ..basically black queer feminist literature changed my understanding of kinship esp as you say in 21C where so much is placed on nuclear. I read that hunter gatherer ancestors would also be intentional about family...in good times theyd have more children than other times...Sarah Ockwell Smith is also well worth checking out if of interest....we are already Mothers! :)
Thank you Hannah, I’ve been a steady reader now for many months and appreciate the window into your expedition of life. I paddled a sea kayak down the Eastern Seaboard of the US in 1999, and was a rock climbing and sea kayak guide in Maine and California, the Rockies and Latin America for years. My wife , and I, both artist/ organizers, traveled the world on pilgrimage for a year after years of hard work, grand adventures in sacred and wounded places. We had a failed experiment in buying an “income” property and so lived paycheck to paycheck, even when working hard. After selling our house to travel to ecovillages the world over for a year (2010), I had a vision in a field of my future son- it felt like a visit, not a projection, and was profound for me. We married with no convictions to have a family, and my wife did not want a child. So when I shared my vision, it began a 4-year dialogue and journey for us on all the aspects of your inquiry. We were climate activists and environmental advocates- humans were wrecking paradise- so why add to the mayhem? Who are we to be? What is the world calling for? Won’t we be those hypocrites we so easily judge - and won’t we be trapped in the extractive consumerist death spiral along with the McDonald’s moles? It took four years of wrestling, until we settled on “stop blocking” - rather than “start trying”. In a matter of weeks she was pregnant. He was born in Jan 2014 and turned 10 a few weeks back. For me, my artist self has been boxed and shelved for 10 years, mostly. I pretend to be a high paid consultant, while my calloused foot inner Mowgli snarls and shakes the cage bars. We found some land adjacent to a large forest where I retreat every day to re-wild, but still- the shift from life in expedition flow, to life for retirement account and property management is intensely challenging for me and both of us. The missing component, in our Western Cartesian doctrine, is true communitarian support. Not just digital and lip-service connection to community, but real, material, inter-generational support for one another - our bodies, homes, water, cells. Bringing a child into real community, is a fundamentally different exercise than bringing a child into the tiny cocoon bubbles of mortgage, 1 acre, 1.5 jobs, 2 cars and all the attendant BS. Without community- the struggle of activating our own imaginal discs and transforming into little post-carbon, post-capitalist families is f’ing hard. With community, we might have a chance. The regenerative 3 horizon model I love. Can you hold the question, what would the H2 or H3 model of bearing a child look like in these times? What would giving your heart unconditionally to the human hearth look like, even if that meant your love for the sea or forests or mountains came second for 20 years (not gone, but quiescent for a time). Could you stand it? Is this the kind of endurance test that appeals to you? Parenting without community is like running one of these ultra marathons, or doing the Lakota sub-dance for decades. It is a test, and injury and mild trauma is highly likely. Some are lucky to do it differently- but there DEFINITELY should be a surgeon generals warning label on the box. “If you are not willing to fully surrender to this, turn yourself inside out and discover new rooms in the house you thought you knew so well, then stop here.” We are each very small, and not so important. You are allowed your selfish choices, and you are allowed to take what you want, give what you want. That is the gift of life. But there will be consequences. If you are willing to ask as deeply as you are asking- then you will likely be at peace with whichever path you find yourself on 10 years from now. My hope for you is that you are surrounded by the kind of strong community web that can hold the question with you, and fill you up with a sense of “enough”. My wish: Either your heart is so full that you know your gift is to share your craft and art and love as your ‘child’, or that you feel supported and buoyed enough to bring a child into the world without fear for yourself or their well being. There is no question that it is all crashing down right now, but even in decline- surrounded by pain, every day will be full of extraordinary beauty and limitless love. How will you share it? And who with? Thanks for sharing all you do…
Thanks for this thoughtful response, Aaron. I've always liked to think that if I did become a parent, I could strap my child to my back and simply continue hiking with them in tow! (possibly a pipe dream). As for community, I agree, however since the pandemic, much has become scattered and untethered. Those who can afford it remain within their four walls and society still feels very... private? That said, the 'intentional' communities I have lived alongside in the past are the last place I would want to raise a child based on things like abuse of power, denialism and so on. I feel a piece brewing on this topic. I am still keen to live with a community, but for now, I think I'll steer clear of the 'intentional' ones (as sceptical as that sounds!).
Haha. Fully understand the skepticism. Growing up in Yankee New England, home of the post-Puritanical, settler-colonial Indian killing, witch burning, industrial ecosystem-degrading marauders, I was raised in a ‘color inside the lines’ box. I always sought to escape through time in the woods, mountains and oceans, but the conformity imprinting leaves its mark. Even after a childhood among ‘back-to-the-land’ hippies, when things get too “woo-woo”, my wife and I describe the “yankee vision” goggles that descend, the critical analytical cult-phobic spidey-sense that steers us clear of the Kool-aid parties. That said, there is courage and wisdom among those who have banded together and tried to do things differently, as weird as it all gets. Tamera, Auroville, Damanhur, Findhorn, the Shakers (US), the Biosphere Foundation. We are not of this crew, but we sure learn from their willingness to experiment. Wishing you luck in love, just-enough community, and continued inspiration every day. So appreciate your mind and words.
And I absolutely love the idea of adulthood opening up, I've often written about listening to the inner child within, to let them guide. To invite in playfulness and openness. 😊
The sages debated whether it is good for a child to be born into this world or not, they could not come to an agreement and eventually voted on it, the tally was that it isn't.
So this contemplation about a harsh world isn't new.
On the other hand we must look at every child as the "first human", maybe all of the future humanity will come out of him while the rest perish? Maybe he is the one to solve a major problem of humanity? Maybe his descendants will solve illness and death?
So you have an obligation both for you ancestors and for your siblings, your ancestors did not bring you to this world to cut their dynasty but for you to bring that future humanity.
For your sibling both parents have an obligation to do their best to create heaven on earth and teach him well (as we agree it is not a good thing to come into this world)
Thanks for this Hannah. I feel for you in this deepest of questions, which never generates any answers only more questions. My husband and I chose not to have children and we have checked in with that choice regularly for the 13 years we've together. I'm now 42 so the window is closing but because we stay in touch with the question and we're not 'defensive' about the reality of regret, then it's always felt very intentional and peaceful. I talk a bit about this in Weathering actually. I think you can never know, you can only make choices. And we have chosen to nurture others aspects of our lives rather than the parental role. That is all it has come down to. Choices. The whole 'see what happens' thing never worked for me not least because I've been on the pill for a long time and so there is a real choice in coming off that for a start. In any case, what ai have found most important on this journey around the parenthood question is staying open to my own ambivalence and not feeling like I have to land on one side or other, ever. I am quite sure I would have had a good life with kids and I am very happy without. On both sides there would be regrets or thwarted opportunities. I see most people getting into a mess with it because they feel they have to be sure, they have to overcome ambivalence, they have to somehow prevent regrets of any sort surfacing. But that's not life. It just isn't. Anyway, that's just my hot take :) xx
Totally agree about ambivalence!!
Ruth, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. 'The reality of regret' is interesting. It seems to be one of those murkier emotions that's tied to longing, but not in the nice romantic way. Longing for what could have been. I tell myself I should 'know better' than to indulge this, but I am human, after all. Perhaps one can be in a state of longing and peace at the same time, it sounds counterintuitive, but I think it's possible (I say this because I do not want to give up my longing entirely, there's beauty in it, too). I love what you say about being 'open to ambivalence'. What makes this feel harder than usual is my body clock ticking along - there will come a point when I can no longer be ambivalent. I guess I shall wait for that moment (without grasping at it, as much as that's possible). The fear of wanting something and not getting it is somehow less intense for me than not knowing what I want *at all*. In that situation, you can at least orient yourself. Right now I am adrift with no compass! But I shall do my best to surrender to this new terrain.
P.s. I love a hot take, but I'd say that was a delightfully warm one!
It's with no great pleasure that I admit I wrestled with these very questions for the majority of my 30s. Not that they're not worth that level of consideration, but rather that your hunch about Justin's assertion that the answer is on the other side of that decision is probably correct. And then all that energy deliberating feels a bit much in retrospect, but such is the nature of life decisions (esp for multiple lives). I wish I could report some wisdom from the field now that I've reached my next decade, but I still sit with a lot of these thoughts, even as the sun is setting on that possibility. I've mostly found my way to peace with not having children, which is something a younger me would have struggled to envision. One realization that has brought me great solace, though, is how desperately the energy of mothering is needed in the world right now and the ways in which not having one's own children allows for a generosity with the fierce love we carry; the energy that would otherwise be poured into my own children can flow into that wider space. In some ways, it feels like the Childless Mother figure is crucial in the future we face, despite the ways an empire wheezing to its end still seeks to minimize women who have chosen or found themselves in this role. Maybe it's just something I tell myself when this abundance of static-love-grief turns molten in my chest. But it feels true. Not a vote against having kids by any means, but a reframing I've found useful.
Thank you for this, Kimberly. It's consuming a lot of energy, as you say, and it is a bit much. I resonate with what you say about 'mothering energy'. I do not feel particularly maternal towards children but I feel very protective of and nurturing towards animals, and I like to care for those around me with food and so on. I often joke about opening up an animal sanctuary, but I'm only half joking. Still, I hear the 'feeling maternal' thing kicks in after birth regardless of if you feel it or not before. Those hormones/endorphins are apparently the strongest drugs in the world! For me, I think the next step is truly understanding that there is something dazzling and beautiful on either side of this choice.
I love this reflection!!
I can relate to this entirely, thank you both!
Beautiful share of rawness. I think post 30 women have to think about this at one point, and there are many ways to delay the decision (which often come with money and privilege: ie freezing eggs). I've always wanted children but never knew why, but I also love my independence and I think I would have a satisfactory life even without. A few months ago a diagnosis made me fear that o might not be able to have children, and that made me even more sure that I want them. I don't know how much of it is conditioning, how much is body, how much is me trying to convince myself, but I do want to try as hard as I can and then let the universe choose for me. I don't know if the choice is whether to have them or not, or whether to choose to try. Maybe that's a good reframe of the whole thing. And maybe it would feel much less of a weight on your shoulders to think about it this way. I sometimes think children are a sign of hope, and maybe I'm extremely naive in thinking this. Many of us are going through this right now all in different ways. I want to also write about my story soon, when it will feel good and ready. This happens to so many in so many different ways. I think reading Donna Hathaway's making kin can be beautiful, and then you also let go of the grip of this responsibility. You don't have to decide right now, and whatever decision you will make at the time you do will be the right one. Each of our stories are unique, a friend told me this last week and I thought it was beautiful. ♥️
Thank you for these lovely reflections, Virginia! I'm curious to know what a life with a child would look like while also maintaining some version of independence (including independent identity apart from the symbiosis occurring between mother and child), and not in the 'girlboss' way. There is gracefully surrendering to and immersing in the experience of motherhood and then there's resenting the total loss of self (which I see happening often). 'Choosing to try' is beautiful. It seems far more people roll the dice with children than are intentional, and I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing - what makes this feel harder than usual is the 'state of the world' as it is and will be (catastrophising aside). And then of course a lot of children are 'accidents' (myself included!) - but I hardly feel like an accident in the sense it's often meant. Perhaps I do feel like an accident in terms of the universe statistically being unlikely to produce me, but I'm cool with that, and grateful I 'accidentally' happened. I also think children are a sign of hope, but there's something I've noticed with some parents - they siphon what seems like *all* of their hope into their kids, as if they've given up on their own dreams. The child then embodies the promise of what they themselves 'could have been'. This is not flat out always the case, and I don't think it's entirely 'bad', but it does make me wonder. And of course, there's all sorts of codswallop in there about 'unfulfilled potential' and so on. It's as though adulthood is associated with things gradually closing down, while childhood is about opening up (that is, until creativity is shooed away at school and suddenly we're paying taxes and clocking in). I would like for adulthood to be about opening up, too, and I think, for me, it is.
Oh yes I totally agree! I don't believe in the nullification of the self, perhaps it is more of a metamorphosis but in the end I think that there is no control here except the decision to try or not try. We cannot know how we would be as mothers, what we do know is that this society and its structures do not support and facilitate motherhood, and this is a whole other issue. I find the discourse around motherhood and fertility needs so much more attention especially in feminist discourse, I have been hungry for it. But it's so personal and so delicate at times. So many women also try for years and it's emotionally draining, others are judged for deciding to be childless, and once pregnant everyone is up for unsolicited advice, not to speak of once we become mothers. It's a fascinating topic that I would love to delve into more. I'm happy we opened the discourse a bit. I've also been pondering a course on it! Ultimately though, what Justin said is the wisest. Discovery is on the other side of this decision. All we can do now is share the journey 🌱
I agree - it does need more attention. There's a tonne on parenting online, but not much about this milestone *in this moment*. And, as you say, it often invites careless advice.
... and, as I repeatedly find myself saying, thank god for Justin!
Thank you so much for this post, Hannah. It resonates so much with the questions my partner and I, as well as many of our closest friends, are living. It is likely of no help whatsoever to what you are puzzling, but Nora Bateson's poem "Mama Now" just came up in conversation yesterday. You may already be familiar with it, but it is too beautiful (in the difficult and poignant and also somehow joyful way your post here is beautiful) to not share Nora's reading of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LEWs9gJKhM
Thanks, Yvan! I just listened to the poem, which was wonderful. It's nice to know we're not alone in this decision, even though it often feels like it.
As a 37 year old going through same thoughts, I'd recommend checking out Motherhood is it for me? ..a wonderful book consists of journalling , guided meditation and exercises ..also introduced the concept of Decisions Vs Desire ..really helpful .I 'did' the book a few years ago and whilst I'm still "stuck" that decision vs desire point has really helped me gain clarity and avoid societal default..thank you for sharing your story.
P.s Black feminist literature has really opened my eyes to the concept of radical love,family and relationships. 'Revolutionary mothering 'is also another great book that offers a much more expensive perspective on mothering ..basically black queer feminist literature changed my understanding of kinship esp as you say in 21C where so much is placed on nuclear. I read that hunter gatherer ancestors would also be intentional about family...in good times theyd have more children than other times...Sarah Ockwell Smith is also well worth checking out if of interest....we are already Mothers! :)
Thank you Hannah, I’ve been a steady reader now for many months and appreciate the window into your expedition of life. I paddled a sea kayak down the Eastern Seaboard of the US in 1999, and was a rock climbing and sea kayak guide in Maine and California, the Rockies and Latin America for years. My wife , and I, both artist/ organizers, traveled the world on pilgrimage for a year after years of hard work, grand adventures in sacred and wounded places. We had a failed experiment in buying an “income” property and so lived paycheck to paycheck, even when working hard. After selling our house to travel to ecovillages the world over for a year (2010), I had a vision in a field of my future son- it felt like a visit, not a projection, and was profound for me. We married with no convictions to have a family, and my wife did not want a child. So when I shared my vision, it began a 4-year dialogue and journey for us on all the aspects of your inquiry. We were climate activists and environmental advocates- humans were wrecking paradise- so why add to the mayhem? Who are we to be? What is the world calling for? Won’t we be those hypocrites we so easily judge - and won’t we be trapped in the extractive consumerist death spiral along with the McDonald’s moles? It took four years of wrestling, until we settled on “stop blocking” - rather than “start trying”. In a matter of weeks she was pregnant. He was born in Jan 2014 and turned 10 a few weeks back. For me, my artist self has been boxed and shelved for 10 years, mostly. I pretend to be a high paid consultant, while my calloused foot inner Mowgli snarls and shakes the cage bars. We found some land adjacent to a large forest where I retreat every day to re-wild, but still- the shift from life in expedition flow, to life for retirement account and property management is intensely challenging for me and both of us. The missing component, in our Western Cartesian doctrine, is true communitarian support. Not just digital and lip-service connection to community, but real, material, inter-generational support for one another - our bodies, homes, water, cells. Bringing a child into real community, is a fundamentally different exercise than bringing a child into the tiny cocoon bubbles of mortgage, 1 acre, 1.5 jobs, 2 cars and all the attendant BS. Without community- the struggle of activating our own imaginal discs and transforming into little post-carbon, post-capitalist families is f’ing hard. With community, we might have a chance. The regenerative 3 horizon model I love. Can you hold the question, what would the H2 or H3 model of bearing a child look like in these times? What would giving your heart unconditionally to the human hearth look like, even if that meant your love for the sea or forests or mountains came second for 20 years (not gone, but quiescent for a time). Could you stand it? Is this the kind of endurance test that appeals to you? Parenting without community is like running one of these ultra marathons, or doing the Lakota sub-dance for decades. It is a test, and injury and mild trauma is highly likely. Some are lucky to do it differently- but there DEFINITELY should be a surgeon generals warning label on the box. “If you are not willing to fully surrender to this, turn yourself inside out and discover new rooms in the house you thought you knew so well, then stop here.” We are each very small, and not so important. You are allowed your selfish choices, and you are allowed to take what you want, give what you want. That is the gift of life. But there will be consequences. If you are willing to ask as deeply as you are asking- then you will likely be at peace with whichever path you find yourself on 10 years from now. My hope for you is that you are surrounded by the kind of strong community web that can hold the question with you, and fill you up with a sense of “enough”. My wish: Either your heart is so full that you know your gift is to share your craft and art and love as your ‘child’, or that you feel supported and buoyed enough to bring a child into the world without fear for yourself or their well being. There is no question that it is all crashing down right now, but even in decline- surrounded by pain, every day will be full of extraordinary beauty and limitless love. How will you share it? And who with? Thanks for sharing all you do…
Thanks for this thoughtful response, Aaron. I've always liked to think that if I did become a parent, I could strap my child to my back and simply continue hiking with them in tow! (possibly a pipe dream). As for community, I agree, however since the pandemic, much has become scattered and untethered. Those who can afford it remain within their four walls and society still feels very... private? That said, the 'intentional' communities I have lived alongside in the past are the last place I would want to raise a child based on things like abuse of power, denialism and so on. I feel a piece brewing on this topic. I am still keen to live with a community, but for now, I think I'll steer clear of the 'intentional' ones (as sceptical as that sounds!).
Haha. Fully understand the skepticism. Growing up in Yankee New England, home of the post-Puritanical, settler-colonial Indian killing, witch burning, industrial ecosystem-degrading marauders, I was raised in a ‘color inside the lines’ box. I always sought to escape through time in the woods, mountains and oceans, but the conformity imprinting leaves its mark. Even after a childhood among ‘back-to-the-land’ hippies, when things get too “woo-woo”, my wife and I describe the “yankee vision” goggles that descend, the critical analytical cult-phobic spidey-sense that steers us clear of the Kool-aid parties. That said, there is courage and wisdom among those who have banded together and tried to do things differently, as weird as it all gets. Tamera, Auroville, Damanhur, Findhorn, the Shakers (US), the Biosphere Foundation. We are not of this crew, but we sure learn from their willingness to experiment. Wishing you luck in love, just-enough community, and continued inspiration every day. So appreciate your mind and words.
And I absolutely love the idea of adulthood opening up, I've often written about listening to the inner child within, to let them guide. To invite in playfulness and openness. 😊
Thank you for sharing this post, Hannah. I pose myself very similar, if not the same, questions.
Thank you, Carlota! Good to know we're not alone.
A brief of ancient philosophy about the topic
The sages debated whether it is good for a child to be born into this world or not, they could not come to an agreement and eventually voted on it, the tally was that it isn't.
So this contemplation about a harsh world isn't new.
On the other hand we must look at every child as the "first human", maybe all of the future humanity will come out of him while the rest perish? Maybe he is the one to solve a major problem of humanity? Maybe his descendants will solve illness and death?
So you have an obligation both for you ancestors and for your siblings, your ancestors did not bring you to this world to cut their dynasty but for you to bring that future humanity.
For your sibling both parents have an obligation to do their best to create heaven on earth and teach him well (as we agree it is not a good thing to come into this world)